The Support You Need During A Job Hunt
I left my data and technology job about ten months ago after a prolonged period of burnout and abuse suffered at the hands of managers and co-workers there. Although I never regret leaving that job, the resulting experience of a months-long job hunt with seemingly no end in sight has left me discouraged and full of self-doubt.
I know many people are currently trapped in the disheartening process known as job hunting — that endless cycle of working hard in order to prove to a stranger that you can work hard. And although many, many people are job hunting for one reason or another, the process itself is isolating and can be an emotionally-fraught journey with high stakes that makes every rejection notice feel like a death blow.
Maybe I’m sounding a bit dramatic, but if you’ve ever been job hunting — especially if that search lasted more than a few weeks or was the result of a sudden job loss — you understand how difficult it can be. Friends, family, and former co-workers may offer their support and advice, but it’s easy for well-meaning “help” to become harmful.
So if someone you know is currently job hunting, what kind of support do they need? And what support can you — or should you — give them?
Listen Without Advising
If you want to help someone struggling in their job hunt, listen to your friend rather than offering advice. Right now, your loved one is probably struggling with many issues besides joblessness — they may also be worried about their finances and how they’re going make ends meet without work. Not to mention, the job hunt is emotionally draining and can take a toll on a person’s self-worth and mental health. Your friend needs a sympathetic friend who supports them by listening. If you are open and emotionally able to listen, allow them to talk and just be there to offer a sympathetic word here and there. I can personally attest to the fact that the friends who have listened and actually heard me when I talked about my job search struggles have done more for me than those providing their two cents on my situation.
Don’t Give Job-Hunting Advice (unless they directly ask for your input)
Even if you’re an HR professional who does hiring for a living, don’t give your loved one your advice or input about what they “should” be doing in their job search. Although your advice may be well-intentioned, telling someone who is struggling with their job search about what they are doing wrong isn’t helpful and can contribute to feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness many on the job hunt struggle with.
It’s well-documented that being unemployed and the difficulties of job hunting can be draining on a person’s self-confidence. Our society ties a person’s worth to their work and we’re bombarded with messaging that says a jobless person is lazy and worthless. I can say from experience that those societal messages make this period of unemployment even more painful — reminding myself that my worth isn’t my job helps, but I still struggle with feeling worthless and unwanted in the face of dozens of rejections from employers. The last thing I want to hear is what I need to change or try out in my job hunt.
Unfortunately, advice can come off as criticism unless someone is actually asking for the help. If you really want to help your friend, refrain from giving your input. In many cases, your friend has already tried it and they are not in the headspace to be hearing “constructive” advice when they are receiving rejections from strangers.
Offer Job-Search Support (but don’t be offended if they turn it down)
Although it’s best to steer clear of giving job search advice, it can be helpful to offer some types of support when you’re able to. For example, offering to: look over a resume, practice interview questions with them, send them job postings that fit their needs, be a reference, or even personally recommending them for a job.
These practical offers of support are helpful; make sure you intend to follow through on the promise, so only offer is you can and will help them. If your friend turns down the offer don’t take it personally or pressure them into taking your help. Forcing help on someone isn’t help, it’s charity, and no one wants to feel like they’re a charity case. If they refuse, just reassure them that you are open to supporting them however they need it.
Stay Away from Critical and Mean Comments
This one should be obvious but unfortunately critical or even mean comments from acquaintances and loved ones isn’t uncommon. One family member told me that “I was making excuses” about not having a job yet. That was really painful and just reinforced the feelings of worthlessness I was also struggling with. Stay away from critical comments about how your loved one is conducting their job hunt, you don’t know all the things they are already doing in their search and your critiques can be hurtful. “Tough love” speeches and pointing out personal flaws you believe inhibit their job prospects should remain out of the conversation. Even if you mean well, these comments are at best, unhelpful, and at worst, can be hurtful when someone is already in a tough place mentally. Don’t share terrible anecdotes to “motivate” them into “doing better” on the job search. Telling your friend statistics about job loss and homeless for example is not a good way to support them.
Being on the receiving end of these comments, I can tell you that I never once did I find the criticism helpful. Hearing hurtful things from people close to me about my “failings” was incredibly damaging and just made me feel more alone in the job search. Saying things that imply or directly say that the job hunter is to blame for their troubles is not supportive. If you can’t say something kind, don’t say anything at all.
In the end, being supportive for someone going through job loss and the job hunt is easy, and simply comes down to listening and being a sympathetic friend. Stay away from advice or comments about what you think they need to fix or change. Be kind, and remind them of their good qualities and why you like them. A word of praise can do wonders when you’re dealing with rejection. Job hunting can be so difficult, but true support from loved ones can make the burden a little lighter.
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