Escaping my gaslighter didn’t end the gaslighting.
Gaslighting.
It’s a term that’s come into vogue in the past few years. And once you’re familiar with the concept, you can’t stop seeing it. Gaslighting in the workplace, gaslighting in politics, gaslighting in relationships, gaslighting yourself. It’s a particularly insidious type of manipulation that involves one person (or persons, or even on a larger scale, like a social group, a community, or a societal scale) denying the reality or experience of the other person/group. Gaslighting can be intentional or unintentional — the person doing the gaslighting may not even be aware they are gaslighting. For all practical purposes, the gaslighter’s intention doesn’t matter, because damage is still being done.
This manipulation can be employed in low-stake scenarios or for small issues, or the gaslighting can happen on a grander scale. But the most effective gaslighting occurs on a microlevel, little interactions that are easy to write off, easy to say you’re overreacting.
“I said that in the meeting already. Bradley heard it. Everyone heard it.”
“You have a listening problem. We talked about this already, remember?”
“I’m trying to shape your thinking. I’m helping you.”
In retrospect, you’re angry and disappointed in yourself, how could I let that happen? How could I think that was okay?
Being on the receiving end of gaslighting for a prolonged period of time messes with your mind, breaks down your self-esteem so you question your own judgment and lose trust in yourself. That self-doubt eats at you and leaks into other areas of your life. Existing in an environment where your thoughts, emotions, and experience are questioned and denied leads you to internalize the gaslighting. Even when the gaslighter is not present, their voice is an ever-present fixture in your mind. In the end, you gaslight yourself, living in a state of paranoia and constant uncertainty, never knowing if you can trust your own instincts.
Crawling back from this mindframe is a slow, arduous process. Escaping your gaslighter doesn’t mean the end of self-doubt. No, freedom is still a long way off.
That freedom is bought with an internal battle you wage each day. You didn’t know how much you lost until it’s taken from you, slipping away so gradually you only notice the drift until you look back.
The journey back to self-trust is a long walk you take step-by-baby step. Don’t rush it. Start small. Make a decision about a small, low-stakes situation. What I want for dinner? Make your choice and don’t question it, don’t rationalize your choice. It’s your choice. Remind yourself that you have sound judgement and make good decisions.
When you feel uncomfortable, don’t suppress your misgivings. Express it. Acknowledge it. Gaslighting leads you to distrust and dismiss your own emotions, so don’t discount those emotions. Your emotions are not right or wrong, they’re indicators alerting you that something is off and needs attention. Don’t rationalize away that emotion, ask why that emotion is showing up.
The gaslighting is over, begin to release yourself emotionally from the chains that someone else put on you. The prison door is already open, you only need to walk free.
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